6. Another curve ball!

My ‘new normal’ life continued following my wedding in June 2011 until I was thrown another curve ball. In November 2011, my mother suffered a major heart attack and required a triple bypass. I remember receiving the news from a family friend who had visited mum the night before. I also remember how I fumbled trying to book the flight for the trip back to London and was shaking like a leaf whilst trying to undertake this task. I finally managed to book my flight and returned to London in time for her surgery and remained in London until she was released from hospital on December 30th. She had spent a total of one month in hospital!! Once home, mum was in receipt of a care package from the hospital (Re-enablement service) whereby a carer would pop in 3 times a day to check in on her. Additionally, a distant relative offered to look after mum for 3 weeks whilst I returned to Dubai to resign from my employment. At this point, I felt like I had no option but to do this. It was becoming too difficult to hold down a job and assist my mother from such a distance. My husband was extremely supportive but then again what choice did he have? It is important for me to mention that during the entire journey, my husband has been my rock and solid support. When we first got married, he had to take a back seat in terms of being my first priority, not the ideal scenario for newly-weds. I intend to write about his perceptive on this whole journey in another post.

2012 - a window of opportunity to move closer to my mum…

My husband was keen to leave Dubai as we couldn’t live there permanently, and it was only a matter of time when we would have to leave and it was the right time to move.  He was invited to speak at a prestigious event in Stockholm, Sweden. During this visit he visited a beautiful part of northern Sweden and also appeared to have made an impression with some senior officials. So, it was no surprise that in early 2013, he was offered a role with local government in northern Sweden and we both felt that moving there would be easier to commute to London. So in July 2013 we re-located from Dubai to Skellefteå, Sweden. We often joke, that it was from Sand to Snow and from +50C to -40C.

Near yet, so far…

Little did I know that, where we moved to, was not logistically well placed. The journey door-to-door took longer than from Dubai to London as I would now need to transit via Stockholm! I was writing up my doctoral thesis at the time, so it really didn’t matter where I was in the world. I completed my doctorate in 2015 and continued to visit mum regularly, but it was getting harder and harder. She was beginning to exhibit many of the symptoms of dementia, but at that time I was none the wiser.

Winds of change…

I noticed shortly after her heart operation that we would argue about the smallest of things. She started to become suspicious of everything. If I was in another room in the house talking to somebody in person or on the phone, she would argue that I was plotting against her. I dreaded coming to London as each time, the arguments would escalate, there would be tension in the house, and I had no outlet to express myself. I no longer had friends locally; having lost contact with most of friends when I left London in 2005. I started to feel that mum’s behaviour was not normal but didn’t know what I could do. Who could I turn to?

Friends and family really didn’t understand what I was experiencing and to be honest, I really didn’t understand what was happening either. If I couldn’t articulate what was happening, how I could I look for help even on Google? My response to mum’s behaviour was probably not helping her but at the time I didn’t realise this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!! I know now that arguing with someone who has dementia is an absolute no-no but at the time I didn’t know that, so instead of deflecting a conversation I would continue to push and argue.

My husband and I returned to London, for my graduation in June 2016. Mum said that she did not want to attend as it would be too much of an inconvenience if she needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of it. Following my convocation, my husband returned to Sweden, and I remained in London with mum.

More arguments and differences of opinions…

During this trip my mother’s best friend from her days working at the Indian High Commission visited us. She had retired in Bournemouth and wanted to spend some time with both of us. We were discussing how difficult it had been for me to complete my doctorate. I had taken a sabbatical from my studies and extended for 2 years. I even remember the Vice Chancellor commenting how long it had taken me to finish it whilst handing me my certificate. I was showing mum's friend the pictures from my graduation ceremony. I had ordered two graduation photographs: one for mum and one for our home in Sweden. Mum said that she didn’t want it and to give it to my husband. Her argument was that there was no need to have yet another thing cluttering up the lounge. I said that it was just a photo and I had ordered it for her. She was adamant that she didn’t want it and just gave it back to me. I felt hurt wondering why she was behaving in this manner and her friend was flabbergasted at her reaction and apologised on mum’s behalf. These irrational arguments continued almost daily. I would constantly be on edge that something I might say would trigger another full-scale verbal war. I felt immensely lonely at this point not being able to talk to/see someone. I would call my husband whenever these arguments would take place but there was really nothing that he could do from Sweden other than provide long distance emotional support.

6. Another Curve Ball!!