2. Mum and Me

My mother passed away in April 2020 at the very beginning of the COVID pandemic, and whilst it’s sad when someone passes, I know that life would have been harder for her (and me) if she had continued to live during the 18 months of lockdown in the UK. Care support that she had, was privately organised by me and she was just beginning to deteriorate to the point where she would have needed much more medical support, and the existing support would not have sufficed or met her needs. I consider myself as one of the lucky ones as my mother was partially lucid and recognised me right up until she died. It was one of my major concerns when she was initially diagnosed, that she would not know who I was. I was told that this was possible but more than likely to be a long way off. During the final stages of her life, she had days when she would be confused and not quite ‘all there’ but could converse with one or two people when she had the inclination to do so. I noticed a sharp decline from January to March 2020; constant tiredness with the need to sleep the whole day then remain awake for most of the night with increased agitation. Her carers however, kept her comfortable, playing games, reading - and watching TV with her. At times, when the weather wasn’t too bleak, they would take her out in her wheelchair for some fresh air. I know she felt cherished and loved by them which is more than either one of us could have asked for.

Despite keeping her comfortable and managing her care, I have often asked myself if I have any regrets. Did I do enough? Could I have done more? I have come to the conclusion that, there really was only one regret that I had. I say ‘had’ as I’ve come to terms with it now; that I was not there during her last days (last 30 days to be precise) and was not present when she took her last breath due to COVID rules. I have accepted that death cannot be avoided and waits for no-one. When your time is up, your time is up!! I had no control over that, so there is no point regretting it. I do feel that I looked after her to the best of my abilities and appreciate some of the things she has taught me that I will carry through in my life. 

2. Mum and Me